Queer as Kenshin
by Irulan 24
Summary: The gang begins to question Kenshin's lack of masculine qualities...
1. Default Chapter

The Corrino Princess is back! And with a story that I anticipate is less lame than my Ranma story!

Queer as Kenshin

"Oi! Missy!"

Sanosuke's gruff voice rang out across the courtyard.

"I thought you might be hungry, let's go to the Akabeko and put it on your tab!"

"Don't you mean _your_ tab, Sano?" a feminine voice dryly inquired. Sanosuke had the grace to blush and duck his head.

"Well, uh....they won't let me put anything on my tab since it rose higher than the national debt," he managed to mutter.

"Why Sanosuke, that must be a lot of money, that it must be," piped in another voice. Sanosuke and Kaoru towards the sound, and found Kenshin hanging a soaking kimono on the clothesline. He turned and smiled his famous smile, then pranced back to the washtub to continue the laundry.

"Scrub, scrub, I must get this clean. If you do not wish to go to the Akabeko, this one will begin dinner shortly, that I will," he announced to his friends. Wisps of fiery red hair shaded his face as he bent towards his work, framing his feminine features and highlighting his large, doe-like violet eyes. _Ah, these clothes are coming out nicely, _he thought to himself. _They will smell all fresh and sweet for Miss Kaoru and Yahiko once they've hung in the sunshine for a while! _He smiled his ignorant grin and blissfully continued with his work, completely unaware that his friends were still watching him.

"Boy, Missy, he really likes doing the laundry," Sanosuke commented lightly to Kaoru. "Look at him go. He's so involved in it. It just seems like boring women's work to me."

_**Bonk!**_

"Leave Kenshin alone, stupid!" Kaoru yelled, putting her wooden sword against the wall and crossing her blue-clad arms over her chest. Sano just stared swirly-eyed at the sun, rubbing the growing lump on his head. The lump was getting so large that it eclipsed his trademark hair.

"I'm just saying," he began again.

"Don't start," Kaoru looked at him menacingly. Her face darkened and her blue eyes narrowed threateningly. "He just likes the laundry, okay? So what if it's kind of feminine- maybe he simply finds comfort in daily routine."

"Which would be fine if he didn't look so much like a girl when he was doing it." Sanosuke smirked at Kaoru smugly, putting his hands on his hips and sticking his tongue out at her.

"You take that back! He does not look girly!" Kaoru shouted at the top of her lungs. Both looked guiltily in Kenshin's direction, but our favorite rurouni was happily scrubbing away, unmindful of the happenings a few feet away from his washtub.

"Sure he does," Sanosuke replied, in a voice that was several decibels lower than Kaoru's previous statement. "Remember what happened when we took the brat out for his birthday?"

Sanosuke's face clouds over as he remembers...

Yahiko and Sanosuke walked out of the restaurant rubbing their stomachs contentedly, while Kenshin followed behind, smiling. Kaoru trailed behind the others, looking despairingly at her empty wallet. Not watching where she was going, she bumped into something hard and lost her balance.

"Oh! Excuse me!" she cried, embarrassed. Kenshin helped her up as the elderly gentleman she had inadvertently run into smiled at her obligingly.

"No need to worry, miss."

Then his face changed into a happy, childish grin.

"Oh my," he began, looking at the pair in earnest. "You are just the loveliest lady I have ever seen. And that mark only adds to your allure. Would you be offended if I asked you to dinner sometime?"

_Mark? _Flattered, but not entirely interested, Kaoru glanced at Kenshin, then looked back at the older man. "Um, actually, I think perhaps not...." She trailed off.

The old man looked floored.

"My dear," he stated, looking decidedly uncomfortable. "You are a beauty in your own right, but I was addressing this exotic red-head standing to your right."

Sanosuke's laugh rang throughout the courtyard. Once he started he couldn't seem to control himself, and fell on the ground in hysterics, clutching his stomach.

"Hey, ugly, what's Sano laughing at?" asked Yahiko, poking his spiky head out of the dojo doors.

Red-faced, Kaoru glared at him. "Don't you have chores to do, Little Yahiko?" She replied snidely, tossing her black ponytail over her shoulder.

"But I want to know what's so funny," Yahiko protested, jumping up and down. "Besides, I practiced and cleaned the dojo. What more do you want, you ugly hag?"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" was the only reply that came out of Kaoru's mouth, as she prepared to smash Yahiko into the ground. Her fist came up, but was interrupted midswing by Sanosuke, who had by this time managed to right himself and make his way over to the unofficial siblings. He grabbed Kaoru's fist and answered Yahiko's question himself.

"I was just reminiscing with the Missy about how that old man thought Kenshin was a woman and asked him out on a date."

Yahiko began laughing as well. "That was so great! You were so manly that he thought Kenshin was prettier than you! Ahhahahahhahahaha. Wait. Now that I think about it, Kenshin _IS_ prettier than you. And he looks more womanly as well. Just look at him. He's wearing a pink gi."

"He is not!" Kaoru turned around in the middle of another attempted punch and watched Kenshin scrubbing away. "Well, maybe you've got a bit of a point with that. He is wearing pink. Hmm."

With a pensive look on her face, Kaoru turned and walked back inside the building. At this point, Kenshin finally looked up.

"Miss Kaoru! Should this one start dinner?" he called after her.


	2. chapter 1, continued

Hey People- For some reason, is not showing the first chapter in it's entirety on the screen no matter how many times I upload it, so I'm cutting-and-pasting the latter part of the chapter to put here. If it showed properly on your computer the first time, I apologize for the repeats, just skip this chapter.

Akane-dono- Thanks so much for reviewing! This will have as many chapters as I can milk out of it.

Ciao, Bellas!

Queer, continued....

Sanosuke's laugh rang throughout the courtyard. Once he started he couldn't seem to control himself, and fell on the ground in hysterics, clutching his stomach.

"Hey, ugly, what's Sano laughing at?" asked Yahiko, poking his spiky head out of the dojo doors.

Red-faced, Kaoru glared at him. "Don't you have chores to do, Little Yahiko?" She replied snidely, tossing her black ponytail over her shoulder.

"But I want to know what's so funny," Yahiko protested, jumping up and down. "Besides, I practiced and cleaned the dojo. What more do you want, you ugly hag?"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" was the only reply that came out of Kaoru's mouth, as she prepared to smash Yahiko into the ground. Her fist came up, but was interrupted midswing by Sanosuke, who had by this time managed to right himself and make his way over to the unofficial siblings. He grabbed Kaoru's fist and answered Yahiko's question himself.

"I was just reminiscing with the Missy about how that old man thought Kenshin was a woman and asked him out on a date."

Yahiko began laughing as well. "That was so great! You were so manly that he thought Kenshin was prettier than you! Ahhahahahhahahaha. Wait. Now that I think about it, Kenshin _IS_ prettier than you. And he looks more womanly as well. Just look at him. He's wearing a pink gi."

"He is not!" Kaoru turned around in the middle of another attempted punch and watched Kenshin scrubbing away. "Well, maybe you've got a bit of a point with that. He is wearing pink. Hmm."

With a pensive look on her face, Kaoru turned and walked back inside the building. At this point, Kenshin finally looked up.

"Miss Kaoru! Should this one start dinner?" he called after her.


	3. chapter 2 it better be up this time

Chapter Two, people....let's hope doesn't & it up again. (This was supposed to be up yesterday, but and/or my computer is completely retarded....I'm working on chap. 3, I've got up to chapter 7 planned out)

Reviewers- Hugs! You guys are awesome. The chapters should be getting a bit longer after this.

Ciao, bellas!

Queer as Kenshin

Kaoru paused in her sweeping, straightening her back and wiping sweat off of her brow. It was almost summer, and the sun seemed to be getting hotter. _Or perhaps it's just the exertion, _she thought to herself. Mentally shrugging her kimono-clad shoulders, she returned to her chores, if not with gusto, then with at least enough enthusiasm to see them finished. After sweeping, she got out wax and polished the floor of the deck.

Finished, she stood back to admire her work. Straightening her pale green kimono, she stood in the middle of the courtyard, impressed with her own handiwork. _See, _she told herself. _Kenshin is not the only person in this household who can get work done. _

With that thought, Kaoru looked up, pondering the whereabouts of everyone's favorite rurouni. He wasn't in the yard with her, doing laundry, and there were no sounds or smells coming from the kitchen area. Besides, they had just had lunch an hour ago, it was way too early to start dinner, especially these days, as the days were getting longer, and night fell later. The residents of the Kamiya dojo tended to spend more time than usual outdoors, practicing, or in Kaoru and Yahiko's cases, arguing, before retiring to dinner and bed.

Kaoru stretched, enjoying the feel of the warm sun browning what little skin she showed. She turned her face upwards and closed her blue eyes, and let her mind drift for a moment. Days like these, with friends close at hand and good times seemingly around the corner, she felt a weight lift from her, as if she had regressed back to her childhood days of simple cares. Shrugging off her thoughts, she turned and headed towards the bath house, wondering if perhaps Kenshin was preparing himself, or better yet, her, a bath.

Squealing in anticipation, Kaoru broke into a run, jogging towards the bath house in the early afternoon heat. Crossing to the side where the fire was kept, she noticed that it had burned down, and no new logs were replacing it. All that remained in the fire pit were ashes, slightly gray and muddy from the rain that had fallen during the wee hours of the morning.

"Hmmph," Kaoru pouted, placing her right hand on her hip. It looked like he wasn't here either. And so much for the bath. But what on earth could he be doing? Ruminating on his strange behavior, Kaoru entered the house.

"Kenshin!" she called. No answer.

"Oh, Kenshin, where are you?" Again, her only answer was the echo of her own voice from the wooden walls and rice paper screens.

"OI! KENSHIN!" At this point Kaoru was getting quite angry, her face grew red and drew into a scowl. She began to stomp towards his room, then paused in mid-step.

Wait a second. Yahiko went to town to work at the Akabeko today. Kenshin must have followed, perhaps he was buying something in the market.

With that thought, Kaoru squealed and ran excitedly to her room, wondering if perhaps Kenshin was purchasing a present for her at that very moment. _But I don't have anything to give him, _she thought sadly.

Sighing, she sat back for a moment, considering her options. Nothing came to mind, and her thoughts progressed to those of the rurouni himself, wandering quietly around the marketplace.

She pictured his smile, his flowing red hair that seemed like nothing but tamed licks of flame, the soft skin of his face. She paused when picturing his worn out pink gi, and decided to let it go. Continuing, she let her mind's eye sweep over his white pants, and pink socks..._wait a second, pink socks? _

Kaoru tried to picture Kenshin more closely in her mind. _Maybe his socks are white...no, no, they're definitely pink. But why would he color coordinate his socks with his gi? That's so, well, girly. What strange behavior. _Feeling uneasy, Kaoru shifted about. She struggled within herself to understand what color-coordinating might imply for a man. Trying to ease her mind, she decided that she would have to convince herself once and for all that his socks, were, in fact, white, and not pink as she had thought. She must have been mistaken.

Standing up with determination, Kaoru resolved to look through Kenshin's clothes while he was out. She paused at her door, trying to shake the residuals of guilt that kept trying to cling to her conscience. _It's not like I'm snooping, _she argued. _It's only his socks. Besides, I'm not taking anything or looking at something personal. If I get caught, I'll just tell him...well, I'll tell him something. _

With renewed vigor, Kaoru shut her door firmly and paced down the hall to Kenshin's room, reaching it all too quickly. Pulling herself up straight, she opened his door and stepped inside, only to stand, gaping, unable to move at what she saw.

"K...K..Ken..shin?" she managed to question.

"Oh! Miss Kaoru. I did not hear you, that I did not," Kenshin replied, smiling his sunny, oblivious smile, impervious to her stare.

"What...are you doing?" She forced herself to spit out.

"Oh, that, well...I'm brushing my hair. You see, it gets very knotty, that it does, from all of the tasks I do around the dojo."

"But why, um, why do you have it in pigtails?!"

In truth, Kenshin's hair actually was in pigtails, one secured on the left side of his head, another on the right. His red locks framed his heart-shaped face, giving him the appearance of a pixie. The entire effect, combined with his pink gi, and his socks; which were, in fact, pink as well, caused him to look like a little girl dressing up for a playdate.

Kaoru's eyes almost fell out of her head.

"Oh, that, ehehe," Kenshin replied, shifting uncomfortably, and not meeting Kaoru's eye. He fiddled with his white pants for a moment before continuing. "Tying it this way allows me to brush all of my hair, including the part that normally would hang over my back, without pulling painfully at the roots when I catch the brush on a snag."

"Oh," Kaoru replied thoughtfully, trying to accommodate the new information into her view of Kenshin. _I suppose that makes sense. It does hurt something fierce when I brush my hair and catch a snag. Especially with that large, hard bristled brush..._

"KENSHIN! What are you doing with _my _hairbrush?!"

"Ehehe, well, this unworthy one broke his own brush, that he did, and thought, that well, you had so many, you wouldn't mind missing one for a little while."

"But you took it without my permission!" Kaoru sighed, exasperated. "Next thing I know, you'll be sneaking in my room, stealing my make up!" She paused, looking at him suspiciously.

Luminous purple eyes stared fixedly at the wall, and Kenshin smiled his foolish rurouni grin up at Kaoru, pretending he hadn't heard.


	4. the sake spectacle

Drumroll, please! Here's the newest installment. I don't know how long I can keep up frequent updates, because I've got to study for the GREs and finish my grad applications. So you'll have to settle for short and frequent or long and....hm, this doesn't sound right at all...

Dear Reviewers- you are the greatest. We are not worthy.

Okama- I read your story today, and...I like it! Don't despair. (And I plan on using the Queer Eye guys, too, but not using characters from the show since I don't know enough of them to put in.)

Ciao, bellas!

Chapter 3

The sweet smells of cooking wafted from the kitchen and surrounded the dojo grounds with an enticing scent. Kenshin stood in the kitchen chopping vegetables, occasionally wiping his hands on his apron. He left the cutting board to stir the miso soup, then checked the water temperature, gauging whether or not it was too soon to add the rice.

Kaoru sniffed the air, then stretched languidly and settled back against the wall of the bathtub, inhaling the steam that settled just above the water. The day had been another hot one, but as night fell, the temperature dipped, and Kaoru enjoyed the contrast between the warmth of the tub and the newly chilly air outside the bath house.

_Mmm, Kenshin's dinner smells wonderful, _she thought. _I wonder why mine never smells that good. It's always got such a burnt smell to it. I've got to learn his magic._ Smirking slightly, she allowed herself a bit of a sinful thought. _Maybe it's his womanly charm that gives him such great domestic skills. No, Kaoru, that's impolite. Kenshin is a model tenant, and a fine and upstanding, handsome man. _

Chastised by her own conscience, Kaoru's thoughts settled on nothing in particular, and reveled in the silence, until it was abruptly ruptured by Sanosuke's obnoxious greeting.

"Oi! Kenshin! Missy! Brat! I'm hungry. Whoever's cooking better give me some chow. Unless it's the Missy cooking, in which case I have a terrible stomach virus and will never eat again and...um, I just came by to borrow some medicine since Megumi won't let me near the clinic until I apologize for telling her that her fox-tail that always pops up looks like something she should have left in the bathroom, if ya know what I mean."

By the time he finished this tirade, Sanosuke had entered the gate, promptly left it open to swing in the light breeze, and crossed through the household into the kitchen. He heaved a sigh of relief to find Kenshin standing at the counter, and slumped against the wood, back to the counter, facing his friend.

"Yo."

The rurouni grin firmly held in place, Kenshin turned to Sano briefly before continuing his chopping. "Good evening, Sano. It's nice to see you here for dinner. We've missed you since breakfast, that we have."

"Where's Missy?" was the grunted reply. Sano picked his teeth with the fishbone. Idly, Kenshin wondered if that is what made his breath reek so horribly. _I hope it's not the same fishbone every time. No wonder Megumi doesn't want to kiss him. I wouldn't either. _

As his innocent façade was his saving grace, Kenshin kept up with appearances and let no trace of his thoughts enter his tone or his reply.

"She's in the bath, that she is. Miss Kaoru has had a long day, that she has, and is taking time for some much-needed relaxation."

"Why don't you ease her tension, Kenshin?" Sano smirked, nudging Kenshin in the side with his elbow. He caught the scarlet-haired wanderer by surprise, and knocked him halfway across the kitchen. Steadying himself, Kenshin looked down at his gi in an attempt to hide his blush.

"Aaah, this one does not know what you mean, that I do not," he muttered.

"He means you should ba-"a small voice began to interpose, only to be cut off by a practice sword to the head.

"Shut UP, Little Yahiko!" an irate and very wet Kaoru screeched. Dressed in her bathrobe, with her hair cascading down her back, and streams of water running off of it like rivulets of tears down a grieving face, Kaoru stood, scowling in the doorway. She looked as if she had jumped out of the tub and stomped to the kitchen as soon as she heard Sanosuke's first comment.

"And YOU!" she cried, whirling. She glared at Sanosuke, breath heaving in and out of her. Kaoru waved her bokken at him. "How dare you insult my cooking like that! After I let you eat here for free every day, and sleep here some nights, you lazy freeloader!"

Sano glanced Kenshin's way, hoping for assistance. Finding none from the rurouni, who stood staring at Kaoru with a star-struck expression, he sighed, turning back. "I was just kidding, Missy. You need to lighten up. What you need is some sake."

"What she needs is a new face," Yahiko suggested snidely, favoring the lump on his head, and standing up as tall as he could. He straightened his yellow gi and stuck his tongue out at Kaoru.

"I said, SHUT UP!" **_Thunk!_** The sound of Kaoru's practice sword making contact with Yahiko's head rang through the air.

Kenshin chose that moment to announce that dinner was ready, and all spats were forgotten as the gang crowded around, jostling each other for food. Actually, Yahiko and Sano were the only ones jostling. And Sano learned his lesson once Yahiko turned Sano's white jacket purple by dumping eggplant on him.

"Hey! You brat!" Sano began to shout, but then Yahiko jumped on his head and began to chew on his hair. Coughing, he fell of Sano's purple shoulder before he could be pushed, and pulled a spike of hair out.

"Damn! That was like chewing on a rhinoceros' horn."

"Yahiko!" Kaoru scolded, forgetting to add the rather demeaning honorific. "Don't swear."

"Yes, Mother," grumbled Yahiko, glaring down at his green-panted lap.

Kenshin attempted to ease the tension. "I have something that can get that eggplant out, Sano, that I do. I will wash it for you in the morning."

Kaoru piped in. "But how will he do that? He'd have to go home, and then come back with the dirty shirt in the morning."

"Shouldn't be a problem for a sloth like him," growled Yahiko.

"Why can't I just stay here for tonight?" Sano asked.

"Well," Kaoru appeared to think for a moment. "All right, you can sleep with Yahiko in his room."

"Hell, no, hag, he ain't sleeping with me. Let him sleep with Kenshin."

Sanosuke's face turned green at this prospect. "Er, I can sleep in the dojo..."

Yahiko sighed. "Forget it. I'm going over to the Akabeko, I'll stay there."

With that settled, the rest of the meal continued without a hitch. After clearing the dishes, the group settled back into the living area, minus Yahiko, who took some things with him to the Akabeko, to "see his widdle girlfwiend," as Sano teased.

The three adults of the group sat around chatting for a while, until Sanosuke pulled four enormous porcelain jugs of sake out of hyperspace. "Let's drink!" He announced, grinning stupidly.

The assistant master and the rurouni declined, but Sano harangued them until they finally caved. Drinking and talking, the group didn't realize how much they had put down until Sanosuke tried to polish off a jug, only to find it empty. He tried the next, and the next again, and the one after that, but received the same result.

"Looks like we're fresh out, folks. That's my cue to be off to bed." He saluted his comrades with two fingers to his head, then stumbled out of the room and down the hall to Yahiko's vacated bedroom.

"I'm kinda thleepy mythelf, Kenshin," slurred Kaoru, weaving as she tried to stand. "I think Imma go to bed." She stood, knocking over a tray and some empty saucers, then promptly tripped and fell onto Kenshin. He caught her, and steadied her on her feet.

"Tee hee!" Kaoru giggled into Kenshin's chest, then wrapped her arms around his neck and stared wide-eyed into his face.

"Kenshin, you're tho....tho..."

Trying to still his rapidly beating heart, Kenshin gulped, "yes, Miss Kaoru?"

She inhaled sharply, and attempted to prepare her words.

"So...pretty! Ahahahahah," she collapsed again into his chest, guffawing, one hand burrowed into his top to steady herself, and the other slapping her knee so hard she almost ripped the plum and lavender fabric of her robe (which she had neglected to change out of after the pre-dinner fiasco).

Shaking his head, Kenshin lifted Kaoru into his arms and brought her to her room, setting her down on her futon and pulling the blankets up to her chin.

"Goodnight, Miss Kaoru," he whispered to her, expecting her to be slumbering already. He was surprised when she answered.

"Goodnight, Kenshin." Pause. "My pretty."

Kenshin's face twitched.

"Ahahahahahahaha." Kaoru's laughter followed Kenshin down the hallway, even after he had firmly shut her door. Deciding to do the dishes in order to work out his frustrations, and avoid that odious junk that tended to crust overnight, at this, Kenshin shuddered; he entered the kitchen and grabbed the remaining utensils.

A few minutes later, Kenshin raised himself from his bent position over the wash basin. Straightening, he felt very light-headed. _Must have drunk more than I thought, _he commented silently to himself. In truth, Kenshin had drank about a jug and a half of sake, with Sano having most of the rest, and Kaoru getting blasted off of a few cups.

Staggering, Kenshin blindly attempted to feel his way to his bedroom in the dark. He sorely regretted having extinguished the lamps on his way from Kaoru's bedroom. He estimated the distance, remembering that Kaoru's room was right after his, and slid the shoji door open, then silently stepped inside and closed it. Not bothering to light a candle, or look for sleeping clothes, he stripped out of his gi and pants and kicked them to the side. Clad in only his loin cloth, he dropped onto the futon that he had, fortunately, left out this morning.

"Uff," Kenshin bumped into something resisting yet soft. His head was swimming from the position change again, and he squinted to see what was blocking part of his futon. A glimpse of violet was momentarily made visible by the shifting moonlight, then just as quickly retreated into shadow as a cloud covered the moon.

_Miss...Kaoru? _Was Kenshin's final thought as he succumbed to realm of the unconscious.

The moonlight had shifted dramatically in Kenshin's room. It was now shining at the foot of the door, where before it had shone at the top of his pallet. About five hours had passed as the rurouni lay slumbering, and dreaming of a certain swordsmanship instructor.

"Miss Kaoru, you look lovely today, that you do." Kenshin's dream version of himself gazed at Kaoru. She was wearing her bathrobe. On her feet. And that was it.

"Oh, do you think so, Kenshin?" she replied, pulling worriedly at her lower lip and nervously patting her blue-tinted locks. "You really like it?"

"Yes, very much," Kenshin replied. At this point, his real body began to mimic his actions. Unaware of this, he reached out and stroked her arm.

"Your skin is so soft. It is like the velvety petals of a rose." Kaoru swooned.

"Oh, Kenshin," she replied, batting her eyelashes.

He stroked her arm again, then held it. "You are strong for a woman. Your arms are so well-toned." Something seemed not quite right to Kenshin. "In fact- your muscles are much larger than they look."

Kaoru glanced at him coyly. "Do you mind?"

"Of course not," he hastened to assure her. He walked up to her, closer than he had ever dared in real life, and embraced her slightly, resting his cheek against hers. He spoke, his real voice echoing the words he enunciated to her in his dream.

"Although, you might want to do something about that stubble."

_**SLAM! **_

Kenshin was rudely awakened to find that he had gone through the paper door, and made a dent in the wall of the hallway. He struggled to clear his foggy mind. "Huh? Miss Kaoru? It's really not that bad," insisted.

"What in vermilion _HELLS _were you doing in my bed, wanderer?" demanded a furious, and decidedly masculine voice.

The shoji door slammed open, bouncing on its hinges and making a squealing sound in protest. A raging Sanosuke emerged from the room.

Suddenly slammed into sobriety, Kenshin attempted to stammer a reply. "But...you...I...I thought – uh, Miss Kaoru!?"

Kenshin was joined in the hallway by Kaoru, robe askew, practice sword in hand, and angry, newly-sober scowl planted firmly on her face.

"What's all this yelling?" she inquired in a surprisingly peaceful voice.

"I woke up to find him in my bed, hugging me and nuzzling my face!" Sanosuke screamed, pointing at the scantily-clad Kenshin as hard as he could, as if by pointing, he could suddenly stab Kenshin with air and cause him mortal pain as retribution.

Kaoru stared. _The old man, the gi, the socks, the pigtails, the hairbrush, the cooking, the pretty face...I think I might see a pattern here. _

"Kenshin! You're a cross-dresser!"


	5. a quest begins

Hello! Sorry I haven't updated sooner, but I've been down for the count with a sinus infection.

To all my reviewers, much love!

Ciao, bellas!

Kenshin stared at Kaoru incredulously. Well, actually, he stared admiringly at the open space between the slightly parted lapels of her bathrobe, but he managed to put the incredulous expression on his face once he thought about what she said.

"C-cr-crossdresser?!"

"He's not a cross-dresser!" Sanosuke's voice boomed along the corridor.

Kenshin turned, grateful for help, even if it was from an unlikely source.

"He's freaking gay! Ho-mo-sex-u-al! That's what he is!"

Kenshin's timid expression soured. He should have known better than to expect help from that corner. His red hair fell into his eyes, shadowing the shame held there. _I can't believe my friends think this about me, _he sulked. _What on earth would give them such a ridiculous idea? Granted, I ended up in bed with Sano, that I did, but I was drunk, and thought I was in Miss Kaoru's room. Here I am in my loincloth, _at this, he gazed down embarrassedly, and shifted in order to hide the effects of his earlier admiration of Kaoru.

"Well, he may be that, too."

Kenshin was jarred out of his reverie when Kaoru gave her assent to Sano's prognosis of Kenshin's sexuality.

"I am _not gay, _that I am not." He looked angrily up at his friends. "This was an honest mistake. I did not realized I was in Sano's, no, Yahiko's bedroom, as I had doused the lights before I came to bed, and had to judge the distance in my drunken state, that I did."

"Then why did you cuddle me?" Sanosuke demanded, arms crossed. Kenshin idly noticed that he had recovered his white jacket with trademark "bad" symbol, at some point following his earlier rant about Kenshin's preferences.

"I was having a dream, that I was, and it did not involve you, that it did not!" At this point Kenshin had raised his voice somewhat above its usual register, indicating that he was finally close to the breaking point.

Kaoru's sarcastic voice cut in. "Oh yeah? Then just who was in it, Kenshin?" She glared balefully at him, blue eyes narrowed slightly, long black hair flipped over one shoulder. Kenshin had to stop himself from sighing at the image she created- she still had not closed the gap in her bathrobe.

"Uh...I can't tell you," Kenshin muttered lamely.

"Why not?" Sanosuke kept up the interrogation, lighting a couple of extra lamps to give himself and Kaoru better opportunity to measure the guilt they were sure was evident on Kenshin's face.

Red-faced, Kenshin replied, "Because I don't remember who was in it. A lovely girl, that's all."

"Liar!" Sanosuke accused.

At this point, the hue of Kenshin's face had put his hair to shame.

"For shame, Sanosuke, hear him out," Kaoru interjected, looking slightly less suspicious than earlier, and feeling rather sorry for her red-headed friend, who was a sad sight to see. Scarlet-faced, slumped on the ground with nothing but his underclothing, he looked like a youth who had been caught by his parents looking at pictures of ladies.

"Besides," she continued. "The real question here is why you like to dress like a woman. Why didn't you just tell me? I have plenty of kimonos I can lend you. There's this especially nice one, in forest green, that would complement your complex –"

"I do not dress like a woman, that I do not!" Kenshin jumped up. His fists were balled at his sides. He wished desperately for his reverse-blade sword, just so he could cut a hole in the wall and escape this torment.

"Then why do you wear the pink gi? With matching pink socks?" Kaoru looked at him inquiringly.

"It's magenta," he protested weakly. "And it's part of my rurouni image. Nothing objectionable, nothing dangerous. I am what I am, that I am ." A/N I'm strong til the finish, cause I eats me spinach... 

"And the long hair? And girly face?"

"I can't help my face! And lots of men have long hair. It's completely normal."

"Not on girly men, it's not," snorted Sanosuke.

"Shut up, Rooster Head," Kenshin growled. Sanosuke's head jerked up in surprise. He didn't sound like the usual Kenshin, even upset. He sounded like...uhoh.

Golden eyes peered at him disdainfully.

"I am not gay. I do not dress like a woman, at least, not purposefully. My goal is to behave in a non-threatening manner. If you have a problem with this, I can revert to my old methods instead. Do you prefer that?"

"No," squeaked Sano.

Kenshin sauntered up to Kaoru. "And you, pretty?"

Kaoru would not meet his gaze. "I don't think you should cut people up," she whispered, staring at the floor.

"Oh?" Amusement was evident in Kenshin's voice. "And I suppose you have a better place for my sword?"

The thudding sound of Kenshin's head hitting the floor echoed down the hallway.

Early in the morning, Kenshin awoke in his room with a headache and a slight hangover. _Uggh...had too much sake last night, that I did. It looks like I made it back to my room after all. Good thing I didn't end up in Miss Kaoru's room by mistake. _Kenshin began to laugh nervously. For some reason, that thought made him more uneasy than it usually would.

He walked to the kitchen and prepared breakfast in his usual manner. Half an hour later, Yahiko entered, then went to his room to change. Yelling occurred, and Yahiko exited to use the tub. He re-emerged soon after, wet and towel-clad, where more yelling ensued, followed by hushed whispering. At one point, Kenshin could have sworn he heard giggling.

Setting the food on the table, Kenshin left to gather the household for breakfast. Once seated at the table, the awkward tension was extremely evident. Kenshin was clueless. _I wonder what's wrong, _he thought to himself.

Yahiko cleared his throat. "So..Kenshin," he began, obviously trying to stifle laughter. "I hear you're a trans-continental." At that, he burst into hysterical laughter.

Kenshin stared.

Kaoru and Sano turned red, then glared at Yahiko. "Not trans-continental, you brat!" Kaoru whacked Yahiko on the head with her practice sword.

"Oh...right. Sorry."

Praying he wouldn't say any more, Kaoru stuffed a pork bun in Yahiko's mouth the next time he tried to speak. She did this several more times throughout the meal, until finally Yahiko gave up and continued on with his breakfast, staring glumly down at his rice and swirling it around in his blue-tinted porcelain bowl.

"Trans-peptide!" He shouted randomly.

Staring, again.

"Translator? No? Transferent? Translucent? Um...transsexual?"

Though incorrect, the word rang a bell, even in Kenshin's befuddled head.

"What?!"

The crimson-haired wanderer jumped up so fast that he knocked his and Sano's half-eaten breakfasts over.

"That's it. I am going on a quest, to prove my manliness to all of you!"

Somewhere in New York City, 2004, five gay men heard the tolling of the mission bell, across land, water, and time...


	6. Chapter 6

Fear not, my faithful, for I have returned. The silliness shall continue!

Chapter 6

Later that morning, Kenshin pondered methods of proving his manliness to the others. They obviously lacked the ability to reason (hence the cross-dressing thing, where did that _come_ from?), but perhaps they could be shown.

_What do manly men do?_ _They stick people with their swords! _Kenshin's gleeful smile was interrupted by the memory of his no-killing-people rule. _Ok, manly men show women who's boss! This one will work. Maybe if I entice a woman to come home with me…but Miss Kaoru will surely kill me if I do that._

"BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT" interrupted his thoughts for a moment, as Sanosuke chased Yahiko into the backyard, knocking over the washtub in the process. Thanking whatever deities were watching that the tub was currently empty, Kenshin righted it from its side and returned to the porch to continue pursuing his dilemma.

_Would Miss Kaoru reject me if I tried to entice her? After all, everyone knows I'm in lo- uh, that I find Miss Kaoru pretty. I would not want to disrespect her, though, that I would not. Perhaps, if I simply behave towards her in a more aggressive manner, without trying to entice her, I could prove my masculinity without putting her virtue in danger! _

And so our hero continued his plotting.

Meanwhile, in a land far away in time and space, 5 gay men packed their finest into Gucci suitcases.

"This is no-holds-barred, my friends," Carlson stated gravely, smoothing down his alligator pants.

"Honey, you've got something on the back of those. You should change before we travel," was the only reply.

Carlson found some lightweight linen slacks, so roomy! And the packing (suitcases, people!) resumed.

Soon the Fab Five were ready for their time-travel escapade, and pressed the secret button inside the grandfather clock that led to the Butt Cave.

A knock resounded throughout the dojo grounds as someone pounded on the gate. Kenshin opened it, feeling no hostile sensations, to find a strange man, dressed quite like a fop in a felt fedora and puffy-sleeved purple velvet shirt, _and they think I dress strangely_, ran through his mind.

"Hello," Kenshin bowed to the man. "May I help you, sir?"

"Yes," the man replied, grinning and twirling his slicked black mustaches. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my fatha. Prepare to die."

"What!" Kenshin fell over, swirly-eyed.

"Hag!" Yelled Yahiko.

"What do you want?"

Yahiko glared at the door. "Come outside already. Some angry weirdo has come for vengeance, and Kenshin passed out because this is the hundredth one this month."

"Tell him to take a number. You know Kenshin only sees revenge-obsessed weirdos on the first and fifteenth of every month. He has to learn to wait his turn," was the only reply.

"Sorry, mister, you'll have to take your number and come back in about a week. House rules," Yahiko shrugged at the guy. "Buy the way, nice clothes. A fan of lace, huh? Are you gay, too, like Kenshin here?"

Kenshin, who had just raised his red head off the ground, fell back with a thud. A cloud of dust rose up around him.

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my fatha. Prepare to die."

"You said that already," Yahiko looked annoyed. "Damn weirdos. Always repeating themselves. I told you to get lost!"

The strange man refused to look anywhere but at the supine form of Kenshin, still lying in the dust, staring up at him with purple eyes the size of teacup saucers.

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my fatha. Prepare to die."

"Um, are you sure you have the right man? You don't look very Japanese to me, sir?" was the most intelligible reply Kenshin could come up with at the moment.

"Neither do you," interjected Yahiko.

"Hello. My name is-"

"We KNOW what your name is. Shut up already!"

"Yahiko!" Kaoru exited the dojo and crossed to the gate, pausing to smack Yahiko upside the head before stepping between the two men. "Kenshin, get up."

Kenshin righted himself as Kaoru smiled at the strange, homicidal visitor. They got enough of those in the dojo that none of them really fazed the residents anymore.

"Hello. I'm Kamiya Kaoru, and this is my dojo. Would you like something to drink before you leave?"

The man glanced at her, then back to Kenshin, who had finally righted himself, but stood with shoulders drooping, one arm of his gi hanging low to the ground.

"Hello. My name is-"

"Hey there!" Kaoru interrupted, slightly nervous now that the man refused to say anything beyond the same four sentences.

"That's quite a nice shirt you have, sir. It's a very lovely shade of purple."

"I bet Kenshin just loves it," added Yahiko, snickering. A fist embedded itself in his spiky black hair.

"Um, anyway, don't mind him. It's really a very nice shirt- ow!"

Montoya, seeing his chance to finally get through to the murderer of his father, grabbed Kaoru by the hair and pointed his rapier at her throat.

"Hello-my-name-is-Inigo-Montoya-you-killed-my-fatha-prepare-to-die!" He shouted in one breath, before anyone could interrupt him.

The sight of Miss Kaoru in danger galvanized Kenshin into action. He grabbed his reverse blade sword and whipped it out of the sheath, eyes gleaming amber in the yellow afternoon sunlight.

"Let her go. This is between you and me, Montoya." His voice was several octaves lower than his usual rurouni voice.

_Hm, look at that, he can sound like a man_, mused Kaoru, leaning her neck away from Montoya's rapier-point, which never wavered. Kenshin didn't miss the speculative look in her eye.

Montoya, confused about the change in demeanor and eye-color, _these Japanese are very strange,_ nevertheless began to repeat his phrase. After the first sentence, he looked down at Kenshin's sword hand, and noticed that the tell-tale sixth finger was not in existence.

"Prepare to-uh, excuse me, nevermind." He let go of Kaoru and put his rapier back on his hip. "You see, I thought you were the man who killed my father, but he had six fingers. Did you used to have another finger on that hand?"

Kenshin shook his head.

"Ah, very well. Sorry to interrupt your afternoon. You have a lovely home. I must be going now. Vengeance and all, you see. Goodbye!" And just like that, he ran off down the road.

"Well, that was weird," Yahiko commented. The others shrugged and turned away from the gate, but Kenshin wasn't really paying attention to the strange Spaniard now that the danger was gone. He was too busy remembering the look Miss Kaoru gave him when his Battousi persona had gotten free.

_Perhaps she thinks Battousai is manly, even attractive! That is how I will prove my manliness to her and the others. I will be aggressive to her, as Battousai!_

With that, he skipped happily to the backyard, then realized what he was doing halfway, returned to the gate, and walked again with what he hoped was a manly swagger.

_Looks like Kenshin's got a bit of a limp, _Yahiko thought.

An hour later, Kaoru called out to Kenshin.

"Kenshin," she yelled in a sing-song voice, wiping her hands on her cherry-blossom colored kimono.

"Yes, Miss Kaoru?" He smiled sweetly at the kendo instructor, then, remembering his persona, the rurouni cleared his throat, and repeated himself. "Hrm,I mean, yes, Miss Kaoru?" He turned to look at her, glad that he hadn't punched himself in the face to make his eyes become purple again. Kaoru's eyes widened significantly at the sight of him, enough that he could see the whites all around her blue irises, but she said nothing of his demeanor.

"Um, we're getting a little hungry. When were you planning on cooking dinner?"

Kenshin's first instinct was to race into the kitchen and put up a pot of water, but he realized that the others did not consider that manly behavior, and perhaps thought it woman's work. "You make dinner tonight," he told her definitively.

"Really?" Kaoru's happy gasp was enough to make the rurouni glad that he had stuck with his chauvinistic idea. This was a win-win situation. Until he thought about Kaoru's cooking, and how he'd have to eat it.

"Uh, yes," he replied, much more uncertain than he had appeared earlier. He thought he should add a manly come-on to make himself sound more enthusiastic. "I bet you can heat up more than the stove," he told her.

Kaoru simply gave him a confused look. _Is he…trying to say that I'll burn down the kitchen or something?_ "Kenshin, you idiot!"

Bonk!

An hour later, Kaoru finished putting out the fire, and poured the ruined soup into jugs to be thrown away later. She scrubbed up what she could, and left the kitchen scowling.

"Uh, Kenshin, I have something to uh, do, so can you cook dinner after all?" Kaoru tried to appear nonchalant, but her blue eyes clearly showed her to be upset. Kenshin had seen the plumes of smoke rising out the kitchen window, but she had gotten it under control in time.

"Yeah, she means she has to air her lungs out because of that huge fire she caused!" shouted Yahiko from the shed.

"Eight million swings, Yahiko! Start now!"

"Grrrr."

Kenshin shrugged and entered the kitchen, realizing that discretion is the better part of valor, and that a manly comment was sure to gain him nothing but another smack on the head, courtesy of a wooden sword.

He started to slice up vegetables for stew, and Kaoru waited until his back was turned, then snatched up the jugs and brought them out to the small garden at the edge of the property.

Not long after, Kenshin went to tell her that it was time to eat. _She seemed so sad. Perhaps I should say something to comfort her._

Kaoru was pouring out the last jug into the garden at the edge of the yard. She felt funny sneaking around, but it was so embarrassing to be such a bad cook. It made people think she was unwomanly. She glanced down at the chunks of charred meat flowing out. _It's not that bad, _she thought. The flowers wilted under the onslaught of burned soup. Then the weeds followed suit. Kaoru scowled at them. She was trying to slosh out the last dregs when she heard something behind her.

Whirling around, she placed the jug behind her back. "Kenshin! What are you doing here?" she inquired nervously. She didn't want him to see her dumping the awful soup, it was enough of a humiliation that she started a fire in the kitchen. She serruptitously tried to stand in front of the ruined flowerbed.

Kenshin approached her, his amber eyes gleaming in the dusky blue-gray glow of twilight. _It's now or never. I've got to be manly._ Trying to put her at ease, he thought a compliment would be best.

"I see you pee standing up. I like that in a woman."

A/N: I don't own the Princess Bride, either.


End file.
